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Scenes We'd Like To See: Series 17, Episode 5
The following is a list of Scenes We'd Like To See topics and suggestions for the fifth episode of the seventeenth series. Key 'TI: '''Tez Illyas '''KG: '''Kerry Godliman '''EB: '''Ed Byrne '''TA: '''Tom Allen '''HD: '''Hugh Dennis '''JA: '''James Acaster Topics Things You Wouldn't Hear on a Property Programme '''HD: '''So, it's a two up, two down. That's unusual, but those are the testicles I was born with. '''TA: '''Welcome to the show; we'll be looking at houses that have been designed by someone's nan. Yes, it's ''Gran Designs. 'TI: '''Of course, finding something in London on your budget was very, very difficult, so this property does come with a bit of a commute. Welcome to Stoke. '''EB: '''All property is theft! Good night. '''JA: '''Bit mean, but we've put together a montage of first-time buyers being told about stamp duty for the first time. '''KG: '''I begged Gary for an extension. He went and got a conservatory, I actually meant a penis enlargement. '''JA: '''This week, Burt has bought a yurt, and that sentence alone makes this the most fun show we've ever done. '''KG: '''Hi, I'm Kirstie Allsopp and this week I'll be patronizing more millennials. You can't have dreams and a second bedroom, wake up! '''HD: '''Well, this used to be a railway station but there haven't been any trains here for nearly 40 years. It's Haywards Heath on Southern Railway. '''EB: '''And Simon has converted this railway carriage into his very own office just by yelling into his mobile phone like an arsehole. '''JA: '''This house was built on an ancient burial ground, which is why the episode has been hosted by me, the ghost of a hunchback Victorian boy trying to explain fixed-rate mortgages. '''TA: '''Now this next property is about £50,000 over Philip and Susan's budget. Luckily though, Philip's grandmother has just died! '''TI: '''Loads of notorious people live on these here branches: Piers Morgan, Katie Hopkins, Donald Trump. Sa... what, ''Escape to the Country? No, this is Escape to the... 'HD: '''So, if you want to bright up your kitchen, turn the light on. '''JA: '''Susan turned her two-bedroom house into a ten-bedroom house! By putting a bed in every room! '''EB: '''I'm Danny Dyer, welcome to ''Let's Do This Gaff Up! '''HD: '''Well, there you go. Immediately you can see how much roomier it looks without the old lady and the oxygen cylinders. Unlikely Dating Profiles '''HD: '''Do you want a man who is comfortable to say the word "love"? Call me, I'm a Wimbledon umpire. '''KG: '''Hey, do you like it when two bodies come together and fall into great ecstasy? Me too. Let's find someone watching from the bushes. '''TI: '''Once you go Asian, you'll never go Caucasian. True story. '''JA: '''I like long walks on the beach, a pebble beach better. I love pain. I LOVE PAIN! '''EB: '''Vegan woman in her 30s seeks vegan man for fun, companionship, and joyless dinners out. '''JA: '''And would it impress you to know that I typed out this entire profile using my dick? '''KG: '''Lady, aged 50, never married, loves books, gardening, knitting and long walks, seeks a gentleman who is kind and likes similar things. Must be hung like a hoover. '''HD: '''Sensible man with Bingley Building Society Gold Account at 1.85% seeks woman with similar interests. '''TA: '''Hello, I'm looking for a bloke called Dave, he's been hanging out in Nice, apparently got his trotters up. '''EB: '''Man in his 40's owner of foldy-uppy bike, looking for any woman who's interested in me demonstrating my foldy-uppy bike. Look, it folds up! '''HD: '''Ambitous man with no sense of work-life balance seeks woman... I haven't got time for this. '''JA: '''You could say I'm a bit old-fashioned, in that I'm a phenomenal bigot. '''HD: '''Man with huge belly seeks concave woman. '''KG: '''Female, early 60's, high achiever, snappy-dressing leader of the Conservative Party, very horny, has the potential to fuck the whole country. Category:Scenes We'd Like To See